WARNING: Potentially triggering. If you are having any thoughts around seriously injuring yourself or ending your life please talk to someone immediately, or ring Samaritans on 116 123.
Every year since starting this blog in 2016, I’ve planned to write a post on self-harm for self-injury awareness day. And every year it passes with an “I’ll do it next year” excuse. So I’ve finally bitten the bullet and here we are. New decade, new courageous conversations.
I titled this post Courageous Conversations because I can’t think of a more fitting phrase for talking about this subject. It takes courage and it takes honesty and it takes saying a big “F*ck you” to the shame and stigma surrounding it.
Whilst I was in New Zealand last year I attended a BBQ and sat there in a group setting in a bikini. A guy sitting beside me pointed to the scars of my legs and asked were I’d got them from and for the first time in my life I didn’t answer with “the cat scratched me” or “I accidentally burnt myself with the straighteners” – I told him that they were self inflicted. After an awkward moment of silence, his response was “cool” and we went back to chatting.
I have self harmed on and off for nearly 10 years now. It was a coping mechanism I somehow acquired in response to a couple of difficult experiences when I was younger. For the first 6 years, shame and guilt and the stigma of “attention-seeking” kept me silent. It was only when I attended a work related training day surrounding the topic of self-injury my whole perspective was changed, and it finally made me open up to my mum about everything. The absolutely incredible trainer we had who herself had been through this for years and years flipped every stereotype and myths we knew about self-harm. Basically:
1) Self-harm isn’t always linked to suicidal ideation – in fact, many people engage in this behaviour to stop it getting to this point, as a way to cope with the emotional turmoil going on inside that would otherwise keep building and building.
2) It’s not just an issue for young girls = self harm is actually on the increase in older adults, and almost a quarter of males have self-harmed. Males, however, are more likely to engage in behaviours such as punching walls, exercising excessively, drinking heavily and pulling out hair.
3) Self-harm is not just “cutting” – it can include banging your head against a wall, burning, picking scabs, hair pulling. It could also be argued that things such as binge drinking and taking too many drugs come under the veil of self-harm.
4) If you self-harm, you’re an “attention-seeker” – this was a huge one. The majority of people who engage in these behaviours do everything they can to stop anyone from noticing. I remember going on family holidays year after year and whilst sunbathing in a bikini always making sure my hand was across my thigh so that whoever was next to me wouldn’t see it (it made for some bizarre tan lines). I made up elaborate stories about the cat, wore 12 million bracelets on my wrists, wore long pants/sleeves in summer. But okay, say this wasn’t the case, say someone WAS doing this for attention – they are obviously screaming out for someone to help them, so why should they be stigmatised for that? This argument has never made sense to me.
5) People who self harm must be stopped immediately. Self harm is often a symptom of a deeper issue, so taking away this coping mechanism is unlikely to solve anything or make it better. It can often be a way of relieving emotions and staying in control, so whilst it’s important to consider safety and promote alternatives, it won’t help to take it away completely in the beginning.
Some people have a glass (or bottle) of wine after a stressful day. Some people smoke a pack of cigarettes. Some people get high. Some people binge on 12 bars of family size chocolate bars. And some people self injure. Assuming the individual knows about the methods of safety, can you really say it’s all that worse than the previously mentioned ways of coping? So why the stigma? Ultimately it comes from misunderstanding. And misunderstanding comes from not talking.So how should we broach the subject of self-harm? How should we have these courageous conversations? Having had years of experience on both sides of the coin, both personally and professionally, my (by no means expert) advice would be the following to any caregivers/teachers/health professionals:
- Reactions to self harm disclosure – compassion, compassion, compassion. Not horror. Not self-blame for not seeing the signs (although you may feel that way). Not over the top sadness. For me personally, I find it quite helpful when people are curious as to the feelings/thoughts surrounding it, as it shows they actually want to understand and aren’t horrified by the subject.
- Reactions to scars/injuries. Don’ts – Disapproval, anger, “why would you do this to yourself?”. Even asking “what is that?” is something I find quite uncomfortable, as the majority of the time it’s pretty clear what it is, and there’s no real comfortable answer to that question. Do’s – if you are close to this person, and it’s fairly clear the injuries are self inflicted, if you are comfortable try “I noticed the scratch on your arm – if you don’t want to talk about it that’s okay, but I’m here if or when you do.” If they’re not ready to talk they may brush it off with a laugh and an excuse, but at least they now know that you’re comfortable with the discussion.
- You do not have to fix anything or make it better or even stop them from doing it – just being willing to try and understand is enough. You may also want to check if they are doing it safely, to not cause more serious level of harm.
- Give websites/helplines/options for support. Mind has some great resources, as well as different options for support. Self harm UK is another great website and This Morning has a wonderful list of helplines you can access, including text, email and phone call.
Advice for sufferers:
- Keep a record – know your triggers and learn to recognise the types of thoughts you have before you harm yourself.
- Learn distraction techniques – maybe try waiting 10 minutes to see if the feeling passes. Go for a run, rip up some paper, punch a pillow, call your best mate, write it out.
- Don’t be too hard on yourself if the distractions don’t work – shame and guilt will just turn it into a vicious cycle and won’t do you any favours.
- Be your own best friend. What would you tell your best friend if they were going through the same thing? Without a doubt the number one thing that has helped me most is cultivating compassion for myself and learning to ignore the critical voice constantly shouting at me. This website has some great self compassion exercises to try, including meditation and journalling.
- Ready to talk? You may decide you’re ready to tell someone you trust, whether that be a family member, a colleague, a friend, the school nurse. This can seem extremely scary and overwhelming. Find a time where you don’t have to rush and in a place which feels comfortable. You may find it easier to write it down and read it or give it to them. Be prepared for a reaction you may not want – people can find it uncomfortable talking about self-harm, so just try and let them know how you’re feeling, why you do it and invite them to ask questions if you are both comfortable with it. You may also want to visit your GP, to see what help and support they can offer you.
Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com
I have found that courageous conversations are the only antidotes to shame and stigma. If silence keeps us stuck, honesty has the potential to set us free.
Love,
Kirsty
xx
Instagram: @thekirstyway
Email: baines.kirsty@hotmail.co.uk
The Kirsty Way 